Missing My Children

Last weekend marked the end of the hustle and bustle of getting Sarah, 23, and Joel, 20 off to England to begin their missionary journey together for 8 weeks. Last minute shopping for clothes, shoestrings, underwear, shoes, medicine, depositing money, buying snack food for the apartments they will share (no food provided and since the dollar is so low, they thought a few back ups from America would save a few pennies!) and on the list went. Finally, we managed to get to the car, to the bank, onto the freeway and off to a conference convention center in Denver to say goodbye to Clay before the overseas airplane flight.

All of us have been looking forward to this moment. My children are too old to be mommied and have developed ideals, convictions, messages and thoughts that need to be expressed in and through their own lives as adults. It is what we work for as intentional moms–that our children will become whole, healthy adults who are prepared for the great Work of their lives, so to speak. It validates the meaning of so many years of training, reading aloud, discipling, correcting, inspiring and loving them, hopefully, so that they can take the baton from our hands and begin to run their own race.

So, I am ready to release them lest they become over-ripe at home. As we dropped into the book fair, where Clay was speaking, I ran into a sweet friend with Sarah and Joel in tow. “And how is the Mama doing with her two oldest leaving together for two months? Are you crying yet?”

The sincere words that came from my lips were, “No, I am really ready to launch them on this trip and they are really ready to go!” Just to get beyond the busy-ness of the preparation and support raising and letter writing and all the while they all wanted to eat, make messes and wear clean clothes.

But the reality is, Clay and I have not just sent our oldest children out, but also our best friends. No longer two kids sitting up in the den ’till midnight to discuss important issues amidst ice cream or pop corn, no longer someone to admire our blogs or a profound article or song they have written that we can admire or to share a favorite move with; gone is my walking partner of the last 12 years, who kept me entertained and livened in my spirit from our fun and heart-felt talks as we struggled to whip our bodies into shape; it isn’t as fun to make a cup of tea and splurge on dark chocolate all by myself. I was walking around with a hollow feeling, empty and almost couldn’t swallow today as I was cleaning up my bedroom, unpacking a bag from the weekend. Then I realized that glad though I was to have the Lord leading them on, sorry am I to lose those who understand, love and laugh with us the best. I was homesick for my children and knew I would just have to go on! I don’t know when they slipped more into the best friend slot and less in the child slot, but I am grateful to God that when he knew I needed a best friend, besides Clay of course, he gave me several here in my own home. We will miss you Sarah and Joel.

How grateful I am, then, to be able to run Joy around to her many activities (she’s at the pool today swimming with her friends!) and giggle with her in bed at nights, and read to her all the great books that are out favorites. How much I enjoyed making Nathan a lunch this afternoon, at 2:30 when he was home for a short break from work. Fun to share an iced coffee, and to have him be with me to share a memory moment about his work and friends and plans for the future. We moms live to have more time to ourselves and to have a smaller work load, and it is nice to look forward to having a break. But I don’t think I will as easily look so forward to the independence of all of my children, because in sending them to the world, I am sending a part of myself that can never be replaced by anyone else. It is truly illogical–how can I tell those sweet young women who long for excitement, freedom and adventure, that it is not the way to find meaning, satisfaction of soul or the deep knowledge that soul-mates share. Instead, I would have to say that all the cooking and washing clothes and correcting and sacrificing of time in a thousand different ways is the most meaningful way of building intimacy through deep friendship that will truly last a life-time. How much more I understand that “he who loses his life will find it.” In giving up so much, for so long, to my children and husband, I found the meaning in life and the deep relationships I always longed for.