Suggestions for preventing and helping prodigals

Yesterday I received a long letter from a sweet mom who was very discouraged about the events that had taken place in the life of her beloved child. Seems the young man had a passion for missions and went to a summer short term mission trip. The peer pressure to conform on this trip was prevalent everywhere. The trip was highly youth led and the kids who conformed to worldly standards placed pressure and communicated derogatorily to him and about him and instead of having life-giving words and vision poured into his heart, this wonderful young man received words that poisoned his soul. The end result was that her son now regrets homeschooling, feels a misfit, unaccepted, and his heart is confused. So many moms I have heard from over the years come to this point and wonder what happened to their children and where they went wrong. The specific circumstances are often different, but the stories are very similar, Also, inevitably comes the feelings to the moms, “Why did I sacrifice my life and spend all of these years homeschooling or seeking to reach the heart of my children for Christ to have it end up this way?”

I want you to know, though, that this is not just a homeschooling issue–but one with many children who enter into the teenage world, who have had parents who loved them and nurtured them and discipled them–and then, seemingly overnight, destruction took place.

Our own children have had their own struggles during these years. (If you are a mother who gets your feelings hurt easily, brace yourself. Teenagehood and young adulthood is not for the faint of heart! And isn’t it interesting that our teenage children go through their irrational hormones just at the same time we are going through our hormonal changes that are also often irrational? So many interesting mysteries God has allowed1)

By God’s grace, our oldest children still love us and love the Lord. Yet they are a small minority everywhere they go, who have the values of purity, godly morality and a commitment to the Lord. One of our children struggled and questioned more than the others and we were on rocky ground for several months. Yet, there are some issues we must confront if we are to hopefully navigate these years in the best way possible. The reason I repeat over and over again the importance of building a strong and loving and validating relationship with your children, as well as making your home the best and funnest place to be, is that I know from experience that there is a world out there that will become a battle ground for your children’s hearts and souls.

When, (not if!), your child confronts the temptations that Satan will throw at him, he needs to have a strong foundation for resisting the lies and temptations and a safe haven to come back to! You and your family need to be the best friends he or she has and your home needs to be the loving, place of understanding and strength that your child can depend upon.

(When going through an exceedingly difficult time, one of my kids said, “You make it so hard to run away from home because the food is so good and the back scratches so available and the chocolate chip cookies so abundant and I could never break your heart on purpose.) Now that is not to say that wonderful mothers, who have done more than I could do, have not had to lose a child to rebellion. It does happen–even to great and godly people. That is why Jesus included the parable of the Prodigal son–because children can be foolish and make bad choices. (But I do think it was significant that the father in the story was looking daily for the return of his son and welcomed him home.)

I do not think that it is God’s will for us to try to so protect our children that we attempt to hide and keep everything worldly away from them forever so that there is no chance of them ever being confronted by temptation. This approach is what the Communists did–they prevented those in their countries from ever being able to leave–it was control and suppression and created a black market of resistance and rebellion that I experienced first hand for the years I lived there.

(I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or step on any ideals, but I have observed that sometimes, children are so protected from other real people that they are a part of the club of “the future Pharisees of America” and they are not very socialized. Now, I know that this is something homeschoolers are proud of–that their children are indeed properly socialized. However, I think real socialization is when a child is trained to be polite and considerate of others and able to be sensitive to other’s needs–even those who are different than they are. There is a danger of homeschoolers (or parents in general) in raising children who are critical and self-righteous, don’t seem to be able to get along with any children their age, and in this sense, that they don’t really have confidence in learning how to be friendly and outreaching to others. It is also very easy for homeschoolers to become self-absorbed and self-oriented because they have had their needs attended to, the constant doting of their moms and haven’t had to share time or toys or life enough with others so as to learn how to get along. We must remember that Jesus wants us and our children to go back out to the world to shed His light and answers. He wants our children to learn to have compassion for the lost, not just disdain and criticism.)

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that we should go to the other extreme and send our children to the world so that we can expose them to every terrible thing that is out there. Yet, there is a principle of Jesus’s words that has governed our home.

Biblical wisdom seems to suggest that from the time our children are born, we need to protect then from harm, from authorities who do not base their world view on Biblical principles. We build a love for God and the word of God into their lives. We nurture them emotionally, physically, spiritually to have a strong and Biblical foundation from which to build the rest of life.

John 17: 14-18, “I have given them your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not pray that You should take them out of the world but that You should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in truth. Your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.”

There is so much more in these verses to write about than I have space here–as well as other principles we have searched out in scripture over the years. So, know that I have left out a lot that I could say in this article–this is just a partial answer.

1. Your goal as a parent, whether you homeschool or not, is to give your children a solid foundation of the Word, and a love for God and the things of God. During the young years, patterns of excellence and truth and godly habits and righteous values must be established. This includes being very vigilant to protect our children from anything that would diminish the purity of their consciences or souls. A part of this preparation is to help them to understand (from scripture) that there is a battle going on for souls and minds and hearts, and that from the beginning Satan will try to negotiate with them to steal their hearts away for the rest of their lives. That is why we teach our children to be aware of the battle and to memorize the word and to put on the whole armor of God. They need to know that they will find opposition to their high ideals, but that doesn’t mean that they personally are the reason for the attack–but their lives of light and beauty and goodness of Christ, will be rejected by the world and those who are a part of it.

Now, the difficulty comes in when things that are supposed to be “Christian” (even mission trips and mission groups and youth groups) are not necessarily something that a Christian parent can trust as being an organization where the Biblical principles they have given to their children will be affirmed. As a matter of fact, in many places that morality and values of the people in leadership in some churches look just like the morality and values of the non-Christian world. This is particularly true in high school and college settings. So many people I know have found these arenas to be the place where their innocent, home schooled children have had their hearts corrupted.

This does not mean that we should pull totally away from these groups in order to protect our children. Some mainline churches still provide the highest of standards and Biblical encouragement. Our two youngest have been privileged to find, in our large church, groups of good and godly children and leaders who have undergirded our ideals and beliefs and helped them to grow even more. So we must not generalize or pull totally away from society and hide. Yet, neither should we trust an activity just because it is under the auspices of “Christianity.” (Our oldest children mainly have memories of us leaving churches because of trying to find our ideals met–that is not a legacy–always leaving churches, that I really wanted to leave to our children!) When a child is confused by these types of experiences, sympathy and listening and understanding the pressure they feel can really help them be more willing to listen to reason. (I sometimes have to remind myself how much more immature I was when I was a teenager.)

2. We must prepare our children to have an impact on their world. This passage is clear that persecution will take place, but Jesus said, “I don’t ask you to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one.” Our children walked with us through many situations over the years where Clay and I were criticized for our ideals–from people in churches as well as from some family members. Consequently, they were somewhat prepared from these situations and watching how we handled them, with the situations that came their way. As our young disiciples, they walked closely with us in almost all aspects of life and they caught our heart. (Yet, in another passage he said, “Woe to the one who causes the least of these little ones to stumble.) So, we must also be diligent to study the word and pray, (as Jesus was praying), and stay very close in every situation, to our children–to help monitor every situation, and to walk our children through the process. Proverbs tells us that “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” So we do need to be wise in our supervision of our children and stay close with them. This requires our personal time invested in them year after year–training, discipline and activities is not a proper replacement for focussed relational time we must invest with our children–and I have to continue to cultivate interests in those things that interest my children. (Joy has commented some this year how detached and busy many of her friend’s moms seem and how often they treat their children without much respect to their age and personality. We gave our children a lot of responsibility and freedom fairly early in their lives and they pretty much lived up to our expectations for them because they knew we could trust them.

3. Understand that it is natural for children to begin to pull away from us. The thing is, God has pre-wired children to want to grow up and become adults. It is a slow process somewhere between the ages of 11-21 when children slowly begin to move from immaturity and innocence to adulthood. (Note that I am not talking about teenage children are destined to rebel–no, I am just talking about the process of growing up. Our children have stayed close to us all the way through their lives, but they did begin to exert healthy independence little by little.) It is during these years that our children will have to question things for themselves and work through their beliefs so that they can eventually own their own convictions. It is normal for kids to become hormonal and irrational and if you don’t overreact and pile on the guilt, it will be easier for you and your children. It doesn’t mean you will lose your relationship with them, but if you bear with them and you adjust and grow, they will become your most wonderful adult friends who have most of your own life values. (I am so lonely when my oldest children are out of town because they are my best friends! And they think like I do!)

4. Your children are also pre-wired to want and need to have friends. Friends are not a bad thing. (Jonathan and David; the disciples, Paul and Timothy, Mary and Elizabeth, the Mary’s and Martha) Understand that they are indeed lonely and sympathize with their felt needs. However, knowing statistics has helped me to better understand the dilemma for my children. One of the largest studies that has ever been done, has shown that only 4% of this generation of youth still hold to the basic evangelical tenets, (some of which are that the Ten Commandments are true, that sex before marriage is wrong, that a marriage is to be between a man and a woman only!, …) So, if you realize that your children are in the vast minority, and that they will have incredible peer pressure, you will face the battle differently.

What are some helps along the way?

1. Have seasonal movie nights and or invite other families with similar ages of children. Have seasonal parties or activities in your home where others can come together and enjoy (We had a Christmas party and an Easter party for Joy’s friends from coop last year–board games in each room with parents helping to run the competitions for the kids; a big back yard game with 3 teams and a map and clues to find a treasure chest with a couple of parents helping; we have hosted harvest parties where we had gunny sack races, egg tosses, whack your opponent off of the hay stack with pillows, etc. We have tried to fill our home with others and activities that make help build some sense of community. And I want you to know that we rarely get invited back to other’s houses, as hospitality is becoming a lost art–but we still do a lot to cultivate people activities–Bible studies, tea parties, last month I had over Nathan’s 18 year old friends for a big steak dinner and plied them with food and then spent 30 minutes telling them that I was so excited about their lives and the decisions they would be making and wanted to share a few life verses with them. (Clay was out of town and it came up on the spur of the moment the last two days before they started leaving for college–Nate helped me to think of a way to bribe the guys to come–they were real responsive.) This is a lot of work for me, but I do think it is an investment worth the effort. People say, “Hospitality is so easy for you.” I don’t think that the load of work we do in our home is any easier for us than for anyone else–you just have to make it a priority and not worry if your house is not perfect or if you use paper plates.

2. Take your children out with you for individual dates so that they can share their hearts and issues they are dealing with, apart from the other kids. Clay took the boys out for several years on a Tuesday night to a pizza place and then they would go to software stores and to music stores and books stores or places that had stuff they were interested in–just boy talk and time. I stayed home with the girls for fun girl times (We call it the girl’s club.)

Breakfast out with my boys, alone, is a favorite. Coffee as they got older was fun, too. A couple of my kids have had gone through loneliness for many years–not having kindred spirits or anyone who ever initiates back to them. Cultivating fun adult times with them has helped fill some of the gaps. Having teams of kids serve at our conferences has helped our children feel that they were a part of something bigger than themselves, and even though they often aren’t an automatic match with all the kids that serve together, they are still part of a group. When we first moved to Colorado, Sarah and Joel were particularly out of place and had no one their age. That is when we started taking our cross country history trips for a couple of weeks at a time. We filled our lives with adventure and also filled in some of the gaps. Ask God to make you creative in your home to learn how to continually cultivate a life-giving environment. Allowing children to get jobs or to volunteer at a ministry or become involved in drama or a speech and debate club, provides children with productive things to do in a “community of people” without lots of free, unsupervised time alone.

3. We have sought to make our lives and ministry and home a place, where, when our children come along with us, they learn, in our presence about some of the issues of the world in people’s lives, as they are in and under our supervision. In otherwords, I would rather them be exposed to some more difficult issue in our own home and in and through our ministry and relationships, where we can interpret the peer issues with them instead of them being alone to hear values from peers.

4. Be patient and bear with them and tell them you understand. My children have made some foolish mistakes over the years (car accident in the snow from going too fast and overestimating their abilities, losing driver’s liscenses and wallets, staying out too late or other similar issues) Understand that boys go through a testosterone wash and physicians have actually said that their brains are a bit retarded (slowed down) from 15 to 26 when the frontal lobe finally closes–they don’t have the ability to judge distances, speed or have perspective in some areas like their female counterparts do. Each child will be different, but all of my children have had ups and downs and emotions that were irrational. Sometimes, just patience and love and a cup of hot chocolate have helped to soothe them (A gentle answer turns away wrath!) I just have had to remember my own hormonal times if irrationality to be more patient.

Hold fast to the important standards (morality, respect, loving God) and relax those things that are subjective (some clothing issues, hair length, music–as long as it is moral and some of the values that you hold–and each family is different in their intrepretation of these issues.) You can rule over most all of the decisions of your elementary children when they are young, but if you don’t start respecting your growing child with some freedoms and some honoring of his responsible character and personality differences–you could be fostering rebellion. Again, each child is different, but each person needs respect and love.

Nathan once said to me, “I am glad you are patient with our dumb mistakes and you are loving and supportive of us and foster a relationship where we can tell you anything. I have some friends whose parents have been so embarrassed of them and have been so harsh and strict and reactionary, that these lost kids have to go somewhere where they can find people who accept them and where they feel understood. This causes them to follow whoever is willing to love and support them, even if they are foolish.” I don’t want to give the impression that we have done everything right or even that our children will turn out to be pillars of righteousness, but we have had to learn to really stick with them and love and support then and give even more personal time to them than we ever thought–to keep them on our team. We have also had to apologize for some of our own immature behavior, but they know we don’t expect more from them than we are willing to give back. It all starts in babyhood and with a foundation of love and affirmation and respect, that then grows into trust during teenage years.

So, so sorry for such a long post–but this journey is so full of issues. I appreciate your patience and pray God’s grace and blessings on you as you complete this journey of raising your children for His glory and end well! Blessings, my friends!

(painting by Rembrandt)